This Day In January

I wish I could get myself far away from all of this. The truth is, I don't actually believe I have the strength anymore for my convictions. When a year has now passed and your slate of memory has now been cleaned of me, I feel this way is officially empty. You will never see me. I know that now. And what once was my happiest moment, becomes the most challenging day for me, and only me. I realize I have to leave if I am to live. What I was, was nothing to you...I created the illusion of my worth in your eyes. I feel this weight upon me because my time is going fast. I have no strength left on this particular cold day, so I'll stay in bed and let the rain wash this day away.

I am awake in hours that should be closed. Something's on my mind, it's eating me. It's this time of year, I'm drifting away in it because you were here...last year. I miss your smile, your smell, I miss just being in this place with you. I miss you, whoever you are. Wherever your head rests tonight, I hope with everything left in me that you are happy and that maybe in some distant dream you're having...maybe you'll think about me.

Cerulean

See, I often dream in cerulean blue,
and wish every word we spoke was brand new.
So I suppose what I mean is,
I wish I knew you,
and me, I wish I was anything but me.
Maybe one then would've seen
the everything or the nothing in the something.
Maybe someday you'll see how free the world became
when you crossed that line and held me there.
I think I loved you then,
but I suppose you're right, I really don't know,
whether the world is flat or round,
so how could I know this person I found?
What I know is when you left, I think I drowned.
Because I thought you saw me,
I thought you touched me there,
I thought one in a billion finally cared.
But I see that was all a dream,
I know I'm just meat and was meant to be,
always just a short-lived fantasy.
I do understand,
I was just one moment,
and you're gone.
But why can't I stop waiting for you by the sea,
to come back and whisper you want me?
I know though,
I know how it's supposed to be for me.
See, a guitar can't ever sing for a mandolin,
and the sky is blue, never cerulean.

Marionette

And if you could see me,
would you see me cry?
And if you could hear me,
would you heed my call?
And if you could feel me,
would you feel my scabs?
And if you could hold me,
would it only last a moment?
And if I were real today,
would you stay for tomorrow?
And if I told you my truths,
would you say I know nothing?
If you pulled my strings,
would I mean anything at all?
Live for a moment,
to play with me.
But don't you know for me,
you are the only life I see?

Alone

When will pain subside?
When will eyes no longer cry?
Why do I suffer so long?
Only to remain alone?
I, choose to love no more,
for love unrequited is all I can know.
I am forever alone.

And if I smile today, will you still see her when tomorrow I cry?

"I'm going to take you to the stars and show you the world."

I have frequent nightmares but when a dream breaks between, some are so beautiful I want to cry. I saw a face I've missed, the way I remember us, not the way we've become. It was back when he let me in and wanted to show me everything. It wasn't that long ago and was such a short time that I wish I was back there so I wouldn't have to cry. Suppose I deserve it, for the selfish side I released when rejected. A tantrum of depression when he didn't want me anymore. How could he forgive me for that? Perhaps it's a lesson I must be taught as I scramble helplessly to hold on to my least known but most cherished friend. How pathetic is it really? Don't we all try to hold on to the dreams we desire to be in? Don't we all try to fall back to sleep? Is it too selfish to hold on to just a tiny piece of a chance I never really had? Too selfish to cling to someone who gave me one shining moment in the sun? What I want from this world, he will never give me. But I never throw a whole life away, a whole friend just because one vain moment came between us and left a scar. I fell in love. Or perhaps I was wrong, perhaps I fell in love with an idea, someone who didn't really exist. I fell in love with the idea of us, together. Two strangers finding each other, finding the world. It was romantic to me, but was not the dream he wanted to be.